May 24, 2005

Oh, Those Newsweaklings

Iowahawk has the story on the riots in Dairy Country:

Newsweek Lutefisk Story Sparks Fury Across Volatile Midwest

Decorah, IA - The debris-strewn streets of this remote Midwestern hamlet remain under a tense 24-hour curfew tonight, following weekend demonstrations by rock- and figurine-throwing Lutheran farm wives that left over 200 people injured and leveled the Whippy Dip dairy freeze. The rioting appeared to be prompted, in part, by a report in Newsweek magazine claiming military guards at Spirit Lake’s notorious Okoboji internment center had flushed lutefisk down prison toilets. Newsweek’s late announcement of a retraction seems to have done little to quell the inflamed passions of Lutheran insurgents in the region, as outbreaks of violent mailbox bashings and cow tippings have been reported from Bowbells, North Dakota to Pekin, Illinois.

Whether the violence was triggered by Newsweek’s report of lutefisk desecration or frustration over chronic shortages of Beanie Babies and Old Style, one thing seems certain – occupying U.S. troops face a steep road to reestablish trust in this tinderbox of ancient hatreds and delicious dairy products. Some analysts say the latest outbreak represents the most vexing challenge to US strategy since its invasion of the region three years ago.

“It could be months before we get the area back under control,” said Brigadier Gen. Glen Hastings of the US Army’s Southern Minnesota Command. “We’re hoping the tractor pull and swap meet seasons will help calm down some of the violent elements.”

Read the whole thing. It's funny; you betcha.

Posted by Attila at May 24, 2005 11:38 PM
Comments

After the revolution, coffee and bars will be served in the basement. Ooh, and thanks to Gladys for bringing the rocket launchers.

Posted by: Ciggy at May 25, 2005 11:48 AM


We tested there. Even equipment or special enhancements. credit card debt consolidation

Posted by: ann at June 3, 2005 11:32 AM


Born in Minnesota and raised in Wisconsin, I am deeply offended by the obvious stereotyping of ALL Midwesterners as dangerous fanatical Lutherans. The Lutheran Liberation Organization (LLO) is not a terrorism unit, dontcha know. They are merely devout men and women seeking to return the land of their fathers to its fundamentalist roots. Transplanted Lutherans around the country host bake sales and car washes to funnel money into the LLO, so that it may promote it’s agenda of Peace.

The media bias has portrayed ALL Midwestern Lutherans as violent, failing to differentiate between the fringe element and the moderates. The tragedy is that now ALL innocent Midwesterners will suffer Christian profiling. As a Midwesterner living quietly in Texas, I’ve already suffered the stares, the nudges, the looks wherever I go. People study me for clues of my religious preference. I know they’re wondering if I’m just a plain Midwesterner or from the fundamentalist Missouri Synod. They are afraid that I might snap and go into a violent Polka or Chicken Dance!

Oh ya sure, the “fringe element” managed to ransack the entire Midwest region, but after all, it’s really because they’ve been oppressed and mistreated for so long by the steady encroachment of the Southern Baptists - who should’ve known better and stayed below the Mason-Dixon line! Not to mention the fact that the Methodists and Episcopalians have actually defiled their carefully manicured neighborhood blocks by placing their own houses of worship on opposite corners. I mean, the Catholics even STOLE Bingo night and have seduced the elderly into their cathedrals on Friday nights when everyone knows that is the sacred Friday Night Fish Fry!! Is it any wonder there is no peace?! How on earth are the Lutherans, after being oppressed for so many decades, supposed to live in peace and harmony with infidels, eh?

Furthermore, to add grave insult to injury, the presence of the evil war-mongering California National Guard is proof of an insidous conspiracy for the environmentalists to rape the land of its wheat and corn! Everyone knows how much grain those hippies eat! And corn! They need more and more crops to support their depraved vegan lifestyles. Especially now that their bagels have gotten so huge, and rely on only whole grain wheat! This is really all about WAR FOR WHEAT!

Lord knows, it’s been a trial, and the Lutherans have suffered greatly, dontcha know. It really would be best for the world, if they are given the land for their own. Oh ya, the world owes it to 'em! In fact, though I am a moderate Midwesterner and not at all part of that tiny fringe group of fanatical Lutherans, I certainly do understand their reaction. It is everyone else’s fault, fer pete’s sake!!

Oh, ya hey dere: if you disgree with me, then you’re a hate-monger and a racist.

Posted by: HE!D! at June 5, 2005 07:33 PM




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