November 30, 2005

Second-Guessing God

The female body should have a little indicator light on it—on one of the wrists, I believe—that glows green when she's pregnant. And maybe it should glow red when she's out of eggs.

Will someone work on this? Thanks.

Posted by Attila Girl at November 30, 2005 11:31 PM | TrackBack

Uh, well.... my wife can tell within about 3 days, seemingly. Maybe we should put her in charge of development.

Posted by: the other Rick at December 1, 2005 04:21 AM


Whence, and wherefore, this post?

Posted by: K at December 1, 2005 05:49 AM

Strictly thinking like an engineer. I'd like to make a few improvements, y'know?

Posted by: Attila Girl at December 1, 2005 07:17 AM

Yeah. Tweak it.

Posted by: K at December 1, 2005 12:17 PM

Hey. Desert Cat's an engineer. Should we draft him?

Posted by: K at December 1, 2005 12:19 PM

DC: Would you like to take charge of the "Girl 2007" project?

Posted by: Attila Girl at December 1, 2005 12:54 PM

Only two lights? I'm thinking ten at least. There's a lot more I'd like to know! Men only need a "best if used by" date.

Posted by: Darrell at December 1, 2005 03:13 PM

Ok: DC in charge, the other Rick's other half in development, Darrell on Other Issue Identification and LMA and k on the girl viewpoints and requirements.

Except we ladies will fill in for each other on PMS days, because we are kindly disposed towards you fine guys, and thoughtful and courteous to boot.

Posted by: K at December 1, 2005 04:11 PM


I really think we ought to go for a 24" plasma screen with a full Telemetry/SCADA system display. Output levels for at least five different indicators of mood, hormone level, stress level, chocolate level, shopping indicator, level of irritation at husband, level of irritation at coworkers or children, wants meter, needs meter, feelings scale, desires array, and most certainly a Doppler Radar display to keep a sharp eye out for the approach of Cumulonimbus WifeOnWarpathus storms.

Then there's all the various level indicators, skew and trim control potentiometers, power meters, amplifiers, bass boost control, spectrum analyzers and launch control arrays that go along with monitoring and enhancing her sexual arousal. I mean the American Male canNOT have too much data in the pursuit of his duties.

Posted by: Desert Cat at December 1, 2005 07:00 PM

I think they're already working on something.

Posted by: dorkafork at December 1, 2005 10:13 PM

I thought we operated on the "joystick" principle?

Posted by: Desert Cat at December 1, 2005 11:13 PM


Posted by: Attila Girl at December 2, 2005 07:00 AM

I would have to defer to LMA and k, but from my personal experience, women would need to control what information is available. And then we're back to where we are now. Just do what she says. Or what she doesn't say.

Posted by: Darrell at December 2, 2005 11:03 AM

Well, you know: I think it's very important to communicate with a man, and let him know what's on one's mind. Unless he's being a complete JERK, and is totally, infuriatingly DENSE, and simply doesn't DESERVE to know, because if he loved me he'd just FIGURE IT OUT.

So, yeah. Couple of caveats, there.

Posted by: Attila Girl at December 2, 2005 11:12 AM

I wouldn't put a Civil Engineer incharge of the project, you'll end up with another waste disposal line running through a recreational area.

Posted by: the Pirate at December 2, 2005 12:17 PM

I would still want to keep the doppler radar display. I mean that's only fair after all.

Re: the original layout--that's only because SOMEone on the council insisted on adding some recreational amenities to what was supposed to be a utilitarian design.

I mean you've got a major industrial production facility located right next door to a waste processing plant and the outfall from a water treatment facility. But then this micromanager type gets the crazy idea that adding a grassy knoll and some playground equipment will "spruce up the appeal" of that end of town. And what do you expect for a result? Endless complaints from truckers using the park while waiting to deliver their load.

Typical politicians!

So, einstein. You'd have relocated the park to the bellybutton neighborhood then?

Then what? You have truckers circling in the wrong neighborhood and never delivering their load at the production facility, that's what!

Posted by: Desert Cat at December 2, 2005 02:17 PM

This has got to be one of the dirtiest threads I've ever read.

Posted by: Attila Girl at December 2, 2005 03:17 PM

So really it comes down to a problem with the zoning commission. You know now-a-days this whole set up wouldn't pass NIMBY, NIMTOO, LULU or BANANA. That EIR wouldn't survive public comments. And don't me get started on the playgroun because it just blaoted the project budjet all because it was apparently racist/sexist to put the facilities where we did, so that llandscaping work was merely there to make the community feel good.

Oh and I wouldn't of put the park in the bellybutton, if the planners did a better job of outreach and the designers had done a better job designing the processes, refining the operation and gotten the odor control system up and running properly. We wouldn't of had the problems in the first place!

For those who have no clue what I said:
NIMBY - Not in my backyard
NIMTOO - Not in my term of office
LULU - Locally unacceptable land use
BANANA - Build absolutely nothing anywhere near anyone.

Posted by: the Pirate at December 2, 2005 04:02 PM

Perhaps those original two appealing little wrist lights, say, oversimplified? our complex nature.

This leaves me feeling sort of...inadequate.

I need some chocolate.

Quite possibly want and desire it too.

Of course I might NOT be feeling this way if I hadn't left my errands unfinished after going at them from 8:30 till 4:30 even when all i really wanted to do was yardwork, and if I weren't *enjoying* a certain hormonal resurgence - in its last throes no less - that of CURSE scratch that COURSE just HAD to happen on the one day in two weeks I had to go RUNNING AROUND all day - AS, IF, can't hardly WALK much less run ha! who the hell am I kidding with a bunch of idiot TOURISTS wandering onto Las Olas without looking both ways for traffic first and then not one but TWO braindead pig idiots crammed their stupid cars into ONE handicap space and NEITHER ONE had a handicap tag or any sign of such need inside their vehicles, effing flashy showoffy black corvette with its stupid KOS [heart] ROS Help Stop Heart Disease! tag, how barfy cuddly puke cute, obviously our lovey-doveys are such COMPASSIONATE people there, huh?, parked on the effing HANDICAPPED RAMP they are, probably a cardiac doctor drumming up business despite the handicap of having the emotional maturity of a twelve year old boy the day after his first nocturnal emission right next to Soccer Parents 142 5KZ dark green Ford Explorer in the handicap space itself hope they get their $250 tickets I will LOL, gee thanks for making me so-called walk no hobble? lurch? all this extra way on a hard surface guys, maybe sometime you'll feel for one day, only one day, what I feel all the time and WHY does a mouse pad have to cost $6.99 not to mention $21.99 in the electric scooter-less CompUSA like gee how i LOVE leaving my tiny bits of money in a store that acts like that I'll DEFINITELY go elsewhere if it's the mouse itself cheapest wireless optical at $17.99 when Walter got the WHOLE DAMN THING mouse and pad for $10.99 last time but really only $.99 after the $10 rebate which is why this really ought be Walter doing this not me since I DON'T have his golden touch shopping for electronics and getting more back in rebates than he spent in the first place I swear and

Which genuinely was a bit irritating, almost never gets to me even a little, but it looked like time to give it up and go home, so no string for mounting my epiphytes and no stocking up on friskies fancy feast grilled salmon for babycat and didn't pick up that windstorm insurance dec page or stop by the print shop much less get these stupid TWO TEENSY STITCHES out have to go all the way back to Holy Cross Hospital for that, not like I couldn't pull them myself but if Dr. Superglue doesn't do it that would probably bury me in medicare HMO paperwork until 2008 at LEAST and what the HECK was that, some kind of radar sweep over my head?!? wut the--

Hot chocolate. With whipped cream. That'll do it. Screw the diabetes. Be right back.

WHOA! totally forgot about my caramelized onion there, good thing I turned it down so low, my Lord it's the sweetest caramelizedist one yet, oh save the hot choc for dessert.


hey look, DC's got a great booboo pic! check it out, hah! and a nice neat tidy one too, that's one thing utility knives are good for is leaving nice smooth-edged wounds, poor DC how the heck did he take care of that by himself it must have been spewing blood every which way, lot of veins there what a mess and hold on

HI WALTER no it looks like it was just the pad and are you really going all the way to California? that's great, over 2000 miles, nice paycheck coming and take some pix of your favorite plants for me so I can ID them and put them in your garden and

No, I feel much better now. Guess you could tell, huh? Thank you. I love you. Go drive, be safe. Bye bye.

Now there's one fine American male, right there. Reads me like a well-tuned machine.

Posted by: K at December 2, 2005 07:40 PM

Read k and see why this project is doomed from the start. The budget for any mechanism that would provide any insight or forewarning to what we have just witnessed would exceed the combined GNP of every major industrialized nation for, at least, the rest of this century... May I suggest a BowLigual-type translator for men...or hell...just the BowLingual as is. If Homeland Security isn't rushing a truckload of Dove chocolate to k right now, none of us are safe!!!

Posted by: Darrell at December 2, 2005 09:09 PM

Lord help us Darrell, I think you're right...

Posted by: Desert Cat at December 2, 2005 09:24 PM

I don't see the problem: she was cranky, and wanted chocolate, and had a few links for us, and wasn't in a punctuating sort of mood.

Posted by: Attila Girl at December 2, 2005 11:22 PM

Right! Of course. I knew that.

Posted by: Desert Cat at December 3, 2005 12:10 AM

GOOD morning!

Posted by: K at December 3, 2005 07:18 AM

Note to Homeland Security: Threat Level reduction...standy by.

Good Morning, k!

Posted by: Darrell at December 3, 2005 09:20 AM

What a beautiful perfect day outside! Pure sunshine and 71 degrees, 55% humidity so it's nice and dry, winds 8 mph, just enough to blow the mosquitoes away.

And no one can expect me to do one single annoying errand today. No, I'm back on yardwork for the duration. The Citizen's Windstorm Insurance adjuster has FINALLY decided to come see my hurricane damage. He wants to come tomorrow but I'm putting him off till Tuesday. I'm busy. Wouldn't want the poor man tripping over some debris and accusing me of not mitigating my hazards, huh?

nyuk nyuk!

You guys are BRAVE.

Posted by: K at December 3, 2005 10:54 AM

Stand down.

I suggest you check on a certain insurance adjuster on Tuesday, though. Just to make sure...

Posted by: Darrell at December 3, 2005 11:20 AM

Would be more helpful to have one that tells when she is in the mood

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