Ah, "Talk To Me"...from 'Don Juan's Reckless Daughter.' Sure, women say this, then they meet Travis Frey and when he finally opens up they get that "Contract of Wifely Expectations." Happy now? I guess it's better than not knowing.

As for Travis, if he is convicted, the judge should offer a reduction of sentence if he gets that contract tattooed on his body, like that character in "Prison Break." That way, his future dates would be spared the suspense. And it would make his prison stay a lot more appropriate.

Now that would be interesting. Suddenly the guy is talking about the exact dimensions of the patch of permissible pubic hair. And the next time Joni pisses out tequila, it's onto the seat of his car. On purpose.

"Bad date. No blowjob for you."

And here I was always thinking those damned t-tops leaked on my Z-cars...

Sort of on-topic, about subtle communication between the sexes...from my album "You Don't Need MapQuest to Find The Sludge Retention Pond..."

The original words of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers. I'll consider this a copyright, in case someone is so pathetic and desperate. The royalties are to be split between LMA and me, if anyone can make money from it.

......

You don't wipe your ass anymore
when you take a shit...
You don't shave your legs anymore
use deodorant stick...
I'm tryin' hard not to notice, baby
but baby, baby I know that
You've lost that lovin' feeling
Oh that lovin' feeling
You've lost that lovin' feeling
Now it's gone, gone, gone
oh, oh, oh

There's no human look in your eyes
when I reach for you
And what's with the throwin' up
everytime I talk about my life with you?
Oh,Oh it makes me just fell like crying
Cause, baby, smells like something beautiful's dying.

Baby, I'd get down on my knees for you...
If you would only shower
Like you used to do
We had a love
a love, a love you don't find everyday
So don't, don't, don't
let it stink away...
I said baby
I'm begging you please
I need your love
So bring on the bath
just bring on the bath.

Should be "you've lost that slavish feeling," but I'll let it go.

"I no longer want to travel back in time and give that girl—ahem—a good talking-to."

Just as well. That girl wouldn't listen to you. I've gone through that mental exercise before, and always come up with the same answer: then-me telling now-me to mind my own business, that I'm not the person you are, and there's no guarnatee that I'll make the same choices and mistake I did. Or, I will. Whatever.

You have to make your own mistakes, in your own time. There's no shortcut to wisdom.

"Take this letter that I give you;
Take it Sonny; hold it high.
You won't understand a word that's in it,
But you'll write it all again before you die."

--Queen, Queen II, "Father to Son"