August 24, 2006
"Um. About That Sex Scene."
"Yeah?"
"You said he was 'wet.' Didn't you mean 'hard'?"
"No, wet. Precum."
"But precum isn't sexy," another girl interjects.
"Is too! I love precum."
As usual, we all look to the gay guy. "Well, that's a lot of precum, to get her jeans wet that way." Like Solomon in his wisdom.
This is like hearing, in detail, about sausage being made.
I don't know what this is about but I like it.
Is this about a scene in your upcoming (no pun intended) novel?
Get with the program. Check the archives. You are witnessing history in the making. The next, great, American mystery... Destined to set tongues wagging. Destined to set new standards for book sales. Destined to make people forget about the "zipless fuck" and Erica Jong. Destined to make people think our seductress has incontinence issues...
Hey! It wasn't me. It was my protagonist. Anyway, she was turned on, so that explains that. That and the precum.
How about more samples? Please?
The seductress in the Great American Mystery, of course! Now simply known as "the protagonist." You are a totally separate entity and matter. And I would never question your continence, or countenance, for that matter.
Damn skippy!
Note, that doesn't preclude me from picturing a 30 to 50 foot "anaconda" on the ground you just trod, following one of your "wild girl" nights at a beach front bar in days gone by... And I wouldn't even think of calling a herpetologist...or Ripley's...or the Vatican. But that's a different subject-a need you didn't know you had. And most American guys expect their goddesses to have their flip-flops planted firmly on the ground, anyway.
Wow. That was a rich comment. You're like, the Gertrude Stein of blog commenters. You'll recall, of course, that I'm snake-friendly, but lizard-averse.
And I did explain that the line about "pissed a tequila-anaconda the full length of the parking lot" was Joni Mitchell, nicht?
And I reserve the right to throw all my footwear at Sean, if the mood strikes me.
A snake is a snake is a snake. Except when it's painful cattle:Never a lizard.
And I never confuse you with Joni Mitchell.
Aha! But didn't the snake in the Garden of Eden have legs? That would make it easy to mistake for a lizard, no?
I see you took away all the important points from The Greatest Story Ever Told! I've seen many a girl mistake snakes for lizards and wind up on Jerry Springer or Maury Povich.
Genesis 3:14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life.
3:15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
Great tie-in with the cattle and flip-flops! You, Madam, are a genius!
BTW, 'primitive" snakes, such as boas and pythons, still show vestigial pelvic bones and anal spurs that represent the remnants of hind legs. Score another one for the Bible...
We shall not talk about Joseph Smith and the White Salamander.
Laurie Anderson also recorded a song--a very sexy one, called "Langue d'Amour"--that mentions a snake with legs. It appears to re-tell the story of the Garden in such a fashion that the girl ends up falling for the snake:
"She was a hothead; she was a woman in love."
http://www.song-teksten.com/song_lyrics/laurie_anderson/mister_heartbreak/langue_d_amour/
A "hotheaded" woman, eh? Is there any other kind?
Few people know this, but America's first draft of its most famous song included the lyrics "I've been through the desert on the snake with no legs.."
Thanks for the song reference! I'll try and find a place to listen to it. "Because when he talked, he make little noises with his tongue, and his long tongue was lightly licking about his lips. Like there was a fire inside his mouth and the flame would come dancing out of his mouth. And this woman liked this very much. " No sexual imagery there!
Addenda: I found a sampler at Barnes and Noble...A spoken word album? It's been a long time! Kind of grows on you though... When I see lyrics, I try and imagine melodies. I couldn't with this one. And I guess, neither could she.
Give it a listen, though: that track has music. Actually, the album Mister Heartbreak has a lot of music on it--Adrien Belew appears on it, and as I recall so does Peter Gabriel.
I did sample about a dozen cuts and I did hear the music. It is one of the most unusual and interesting albums I've ever come across in a long time. Thanks for pointing it out for me! I'd like to hear it as a studio album, though, instead of "live." Some of the recitations seem forced done live, because she (they) assume characters. And they don't always "hit' the character in the first beat. Or 53rd. I'll wait to find it a little cheaper, though. B&N had it for $45 or so.
"Let the issues be the issue.
About Joy W. McCann: I've been interviewed for Le Monde and mentioned on Fox News. I once did a segment for CNN on "Women and Guns," and this blog is periodically featured on the New York Times' blog list. My writing here has been quoted in California Lawyer. I've appeared on The Glenn and Helen Show. Oh—and Tammy Bruce once bought me breakfast.
My writing has appeared in The Noise, Handguns, Sports Afield, The American Spectator, and (it's a long story) L.A. Parent. This is my main blog, though I'm also an alumnus of Dean's World, and I help out on the weekends at Right Wing News.
My political philosophy is quite simple: I'm a classical liberal. In our Orwellian times, that makes me a conservative, though one of a decidedly libertarian bent.
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