September 06, 2006

The Evangelical Outpost

. . . on the role of sex in marriage. Too conservative for my taste. Yet there are some kernels of truth in it.

Of course, every time I read one of these essays I get the impression that the author enjoys great sex with his or her spouse, and imagines that all couples would be in the same situation if they would only stop being silly. Once you've had a few girlfriends cry on your shoulder because things are awful and always have been, the issue doesn't look quite that simple.

Posted by Attila Girl at September 6, 2006 12:59 AM | TrackBack

Bah. If things are awful and always have been, why did you get married in the first place? Regardless, work to fix it, or give up and get out if that's your style. Whining about it is counter-productive.

Posted by: Kevin at September 6, 2006 08:47 AM

Saw a study somewhere that showed most women lose interest in sex with their husbands after about 3 years. They were either attracted to other men or more often just not interested at all. For men the interest level stayed the same.

This wasn't my personal experience but does seem to be common. If that's the way things are then maybe people aren't set up for easily having happy exclusive sexual relationships like the writer seems to think.

Posted by: anon at September 6, 2006 11:32 AM

Seems a bit harsh, Kevin...wouldn't it be normal for a person to agonize and to talk with friends before making a major life decision like "getting out"?"

Posted by: david foster at September 6, 2006 03:57 PM

I guess you're right David. It wasn't the 'things are awful' part that bothered me. It was the 'and always have been' part. She should have been agonizing and talking it over with friends before starting the relationship if things started out awful.

Posted by: Kevin at September 7, 2006 03:50 AM

Difficult, because somehow we've gotten to a "she" that seems to be a composite of a few of my female friends--whose circumstances are different from each other's.

1) Kevin, is sex everything in a relationship? Is there no chance that a relationship has worth even if the sex is sub-par?

2) Within the reasoning of the Evangelical Outpost essay, how would one know ahead of time about a sexual incompatibility? One would, until widowhood, only know one person sexually, and he/she would potentially bring a low level of sexual skill into the relationship. Mightn't this be a problem?

Posted by: Attila Girl at September 7, 2006 10:59 AM

My issue is with airy-fairy religious people who assume that if everyone has good intentions, the sex thing will magically work itself out. I just don't see that happening in the real world, and some of these people appear to be "coaching from some pretty comfortable sidelines."

Hey. Just pick up the violin. If you're right with God and you love your spouse, you'll be able to play Vivaldi without any guidance whatsoever. How hard can it be? Love will conquer all.

Posted by: Attila Girl at September 7, 2006 11:02 AM

"1) Kevin, is sex everything in a relationship? Is there no chance that a relationship has worth even if the sex is sub-par?"

I would not call it 'everything', but I would say it's a necessary ingredient, and the relationship is not workable without it. Much like the relationship would be unworkable with great sex, but you find your spouse uninteresting, or pursuing opposite goals than yours.

Since your girlfriends were crying on your shoulder about it, I assume they agree with me on this. Being able to read between the lines (very often incorrectly), I'd say they considered this in the beginning of the relationship, and went ahead with it anyway for some other reason (money? security? lonely? money? love? money?). And... now they are whining to you about it.

It just doesn't seem fair :)

On your second point, I guess if you never had sex with someone else, you wouldn't know it's bad (if it is)? I doubt it comes up much though, since virgin marriages is more honoured in the breach than the observance.

Posted by: Kevin at September 9, 2006 11:33 PM

Kevin, you are a cynical man when it comes to women.

Buy me a steak dinner and drinks one night, and I'll explain to you exactly why we aren't the greedy, grasping golddiggers you perceive us to be.

Posted by: Attila Girl at September 9, 2006 11:59 PM

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