My Friend David Linden

. . . has been labeled a "professor of Zionism," and mentally ill by Thomas R. Pochari of the Joo-Patrol. Oh, yes—and David's probably an "alcoholic," too. I'm honestly trying to get mad, but I'm giggling too hard to be the true-blue loyal friend I want to be.

If you want to know the truth, the bothersome thing about David is his very lack of any sort of mental illness. He's always upbeat, never depressed, relentlessly productive, and . . . in short, the sort of person whom deeply flawed people like me would be terribly tempted to envy and resent, if he weren't always feeding us coq au vin and letting us drink his single-malt Scotch—there's that cunning, clever Jewish bribery at work!

I've never seen David lapse into a "victim" mentality—not even once, and we were all teenagers together—most of us moody, horny youngters with a lot more brains than common sense. Except David, damn him. (Well. I'm sure he was just as horny as the rest of us. But he sure was a good deal less of a drama queen than anyone else I knew.)

Ah, but back to the Vice-President and Jews: Ace calls this potent combo "the mother of all storms." Most of the rest of us just collapse into laughter at the idea that Jews supported the U.S. invasion of Iraq in disproportionate numbers. Unless by "the Jews" we really mean Bill Kristol and Jonah Goldberg, in which case it all sort of hangs together in a beautiful—albeit racist—way.

I would love to worry about "the Jews." (Please note the definite article, because it's somehow always perfectly clear which Joooos we're talking about.) However, I'm way too busy worry about the kiwis. Are you blind to the subtle messages in Peter Jackson's movies? Do you not see what the New Zealanders are up to? I once saw Dick Cheney talking to someone from New Zealand. Wake up, Sheeple!

As for Professor Linden, check out his blog. Homework assignment: read his book, and see if you can find the hidden Zionist messages within! Careful, now—it's subtle stuff! For instance, when he talks about "neural pathways," it's a parable for "committing acts of aggression against Arab and Persian children."

You just need the Zionist decoder ring. I think they're free right now, in Rice Krispies boxes, though. Good luck, kids!