March 11, 2008

Heya, Doll.

Agent Bedhead says hi, and gets down with her celebrity-blogging. Hey—at least she's not ripping Madonna for being ripped.

She's just pointing out that the M.G. might be having a fling, and that the age differences involved are significant. Personally, I've always felt that 10-15 years was sort of the outside edge on that age-difference dealio, but what the hell do I know?

BTW, whatever happened to Dustin Hoffman? He used to be so sexy. Now he's, ya know . . . distinguished. I saw him once, when I was working at the Westside Twin Theatres. He came in and borrowed a pencil, which my boyfriend at the time saved for me. I've since lost track of it, of course.

My friend Kate Sanford worked with Hoffman on American Buffalo, and has also edited Sex and the City, with "Ol' Butterpecs," Sarah Jessica Parker. I rather think Katie might have kissed Sean Penn back in the 1980s, since I've been informed that my "Madonna number" is . . . um, one or two. Around there. (One of her jobs on At Close Range was, she told me at the time, "keeping reporters away from Sean Penn.")

Maybe that's why I defend Madonna. Maybe I wish that number were zero. In any event, I happen to think she's still hot, muscles and all. Apparently, I'm not the only one, despite Ragnar at Rusty's site deciding she's looks like Gollum. (Was that before, or after G's transformation? Just curious. And I'd still like to see a picture of Ragnar, since he's so discriminating. He must be Santa Fe-hot.)

Posted by Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 11:29 AM | TrackBack

Perhaps he (Ragnar) meant golem.

"In Jewish folklore, a golem (גולם, sometimes, as in Yiddish, pronounced goilem) is an animated being created entirely from inanimate matter. In modern Hebrew the word golem literally means "cocoon", but can also mean "fool", "silly", or even "stupid". The name appears to derive from the word gelem (גלם), which means "raw material"...The word golem is used in the Bible to refer to an embryonic or incomplete substance: Psalm 139:16 uses the word גלמי, meaning my unshaped form. The Mishnah uses the term for an uncultivated person ("Seven characteristics are in an uncultivated person, and seven in a learned one", Pirkei Avot 5:7). Similarly, golems are often used today in metaphor either as brainless lunks or as entities serving man under controlled conditions but hostile to him in others. Similarly, it is a Yiddish slang insult for someone who is clumsy or slow."

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 12:04 PM

Personally, I've always felt that 10-15 years was sort of the outside edge on that age-difference dealio, but what the hell do I know?

A handy rule of thumb is the half plus seven rule. If you are dating someone younger than yourself, divide your own age in two then add seven years. If your date is younger than the result of this simple equation you are a perv. And also likely wealthy, in extraordinary shape or have an dark wave/industrial act in local goth clubs.

Posted by: Flea at March 11, 2008 01:47 PM

Madonna is hot. The only real problem that I have with her has nothing to do with looks...but more in forgetting where she came from. Rabbi Stanley Boteach said it well:

"[F]or many years Madonna vulgarized our culture, exposed her body to America's teenagers and generally portrayed women in a highly degrading light. But after she became a mom, she moved to England, essentially complaining that America was too decrepit a culture to raise kids.

That's a bit unfair. When it was our kids, she didn't mind corrupting them. But when it was hers, she fled to a safer environment."

Posted by: agent bedhead at March 11, 2008 01:47 PM

I'm a bit of a noob about Madonna Numbers. Does it involved having sex or merely being acquainted?

Posted by: John at March 11, 2008 02:56 PM

Or potential STDs?

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 03:28 PM

Madonna Numbers...
"Degree of sexual separation"
If one kissed, say, someone who kissed Sean Penn, that would be "one" because Mr. Penn "did the deed" with the M-Girl. They would also have a cast-iron stomach, ie, a high threshold for nausea, due to that proximity to Penn.

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 03:37 PM

Hey! I'll have you know that I went to high school with Sean Penn . . .

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 03:49 PM

You mean you could have spared us all and you did nothing? I mean, if he was in a small boat, like he was when he was "saving" all those folks in New Orleans after Katrina, the one where the boat took on water and he and his tweaker friends were trying to bail it out with a red Solo 16 oz plastic cup, couldn't you have cut the bottom from the Solo cup? And wouldn't they have drowned before they figured it out?

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 07:03 PM

Careful Darrell. You're going to get yourself lumped in with the rest of us Meanies here pretty quick.

Sean Penn is a Person! We need to respect him as such, despite who he's kissed.

Posted by: Desert Cat at March 11, 2008 07:16 PM

I believe that would be "whom." ;)

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 07:21 PM

Kissing Madonna isn't his problem. Whatever he kissed on the Left is. Or sucked. Unlike Heidi Fleiss, I can't know for sure.

I want Sean to live in peaceful anonymity so much, you wouldn't believe it. And silent anonymity as well.

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 07:27 PM

Well, I'll grant you that there is an epidemic of loud-mouth disease among the H-wood/music industry crowd. I like what Brad Pitt said some years ago when he was asked about politics: "What are you asking me for? I'm a grown man who wears makeup."

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 07:39 PM

If music and the arts are the counter-culture, how come they're not right leaning now? Or for the past fifty years.

Posted by: Darrell at March 11, 2008 07:48 PM

That, my friend, is the $64,000 question.

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 09:52 PM

Well, Attila, have you heard of the chickenhawk argument? It seems to be that you're using a modified form of it here. "Ooh, all guys who are soooo derogatory towards gals MUST be hunks and beefcake themselves".

Um. No. I am reasonably good looking (and would be devastatingly handsome like my brother if I was his weight instead of about 75% heavier) but it won't matter if I was pug ugly. I can claim someone else to be pug ugly.

Is Madonna hot? I don't know. I sure won't want to hit *that*, though. By Heaven, how many people have gone through it already? :P

Posted by: Gregory at March 11, 2008 10:34 PM

Now, Gregory. Don't be silly.

1) The fallacy in the chickenhawk argument rests on the fact that in this country, civilian control of the military is the rule. We do not have governing juntas.

The sexual marketplace, however, is . . . a market. Men, being visual creatures, have higher physical standards than women, who are either a) a whores, according to the most embittered of your brothers, or b) focused on things like brains, accomplishment, wisdom, etc., and not so damned superficial. Or: c) both.

Women live with the double-standard out there (e.g., it's okay to have a paunch if you're male, but not if you're female), so long as they don't cross the "invisible line," and reiterate one too many times that they benefit from a physical-appeal double standard that would be impossible if we were as . . . visual as they.

2) As far as Madonna is concerned: a) the girl can afford the very best medical care, so I'm sure she's clean; b) I only said I wanted to make out with her, rather than go full-on, and c) you would sooooo hit it, if you had the chance. Don't lie to yourself.

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 11, 2008 10:49 PM

No lie dear.


I don't begrudge you your fantasy, but I'd flee like the wind.

Posted by: Desert Cat at March 12, 2008 07:07 AM

But, DC--that wasn't directed at you. You're extraordinarily "evolved," as they say. And you have discriminating tastes, I happen to know.

Posted by: Attila Girl at March 12, 2008 01:41 PM

Hmm. Methinks Attila Girl has been over-imbibing on Valurite over at Ace's. Hey, leave some for me! :)

1. The fallacy of the chickenhawk is no more and no less than saying that someone *must* have gone through or was somehow involved in the same or similar experience before commenting on any situation/circumstance.

Which is palpable nonsense. Unmarried virgin that I am, I should be able to make value judgements on both sex and marriage (I am all for both). Thin guys heap scorn on fatsos like me allatime.

Hence, you were using a modified form of it.

And anyways, while I'm cool with model-type bodies and all, a little bit of Bridget Jones Rubenesque body-style goes a long way, you know? I'm not saying I want the woman to weigh anywhere near what I do (we'd squish/squash each other), but certainly a certain... Victorian voluptuousness is more my type. Curves, flesh, and a little jiggle of fat in the right places... mmm.... donuts...

2. Well, if I gave my baser desires free reign, then yes, I'd hit her. I'd hit *you*, and I don't even know what you look like. I'd also hit Kim Devine, Patricia Araujo, Meghan Chevalier... look. Man's heart is a cesspool. Nothing clean emanates from a man; there is no one who is sinless, excepting Jesus. The reason we do not all degenerate is because we rein in our base desires, and adhere to certain standards.

And by those standards, I wouldn't touch Madonna with a ten-foot pole. Not least amongst the reasons because she's married (at least, I think she's married, and doesn't one of your posts make that point also). But also, because of the way she acted in the past. And, she looks terrible from my perspective.

Not sure I'd go as far as Gollum, though, even if the thought makes me giggle. Yes, giggle. I'm comfortable with my chosen sexuality. And manhood, for that matter.

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