Menopause: An Owner's Manual

Web M.D. has a partial list.

Coping With the Symptoms of Menopause

There are many ways you can ease menopause symptoms and maintain your health. These tips include ways to cope with mood swings, fears and depression:

• Find a self-calming skill to practice such as yoga, meditation or slow, deep breathing.

• Avoid tranquilizers.

• Engage in a creative outlet or hobby that fosters a sense of achievement.

•Stay connected with your family and community and nurture your friendships.

• Seek emotional support from friends, family members or a professional counselor when needed.

• Take steps to stay cool during hot flashes, such as wearing loose clothing.

• Keep your bedroom cool to prevent night sweats and disturbed sleep.

• Take medicines, vitamins and minerals as prescribed by your doctor.

• Eat healthfully and exercise regularly.

That's fine, as far as it goes. Naturally, I had a few thoughts of my own:

• Invest in a Cool-Max pajama top.

• Buy your wine by the box.

• Use plenty of lime when burying bodies.

• Keep sorbet on hand for hot flashes.

• Consider alternatives to firearms, such as razor wire and edged weapons.

• Eat lots of Rice Krispies.

• Find a copendent friend whom you can endlessly berate over the phone when your estrogen levels are low. Avoid people with self-esteem.

• If you find yourself with a staff job, make a study of your boss's dietary habits. Buy a small manual on untraceable poisons. You may never need it, but it'll give you peace of mind.

• Read books on revenge carefully; learn to cover your tracks when you go on the karma-balancing prowl. Consider getting even with people other than those you imagine are somehow wronging you. After all, someone will pay it forward, some day.

"Did I get 'em all?" I asked Attila the Hub.

"Almost," he replied. "Just one more."

• Howl like a wolf for hours on end.

"I thought I was doing that already," I remarked.

"No, no. I don't mean internally, or using mere words. Or blogging, for crying out loud. I don't mean like Alan-freaking-Ginsburg. I mean actual, literal howling."

"Excellent idea. I'll try it. But I think I'll have some sorbet first."