Came upon your blog while surfing. I am new here and I don't mean to be rude or unsympathetic, but wouldn't it make more sense, as a friend, to be happy for your friend, regardless of how the information was relayed to you?

Its likely to be far more rewarding, in the end, than holding your happiness hostage because you feel their good fortune somehow reflects negatively on you.

Angela

Angela, there is no one nicer than LMA. She uses us as her confidants, to express thoughts she would never say out loud-- the sanctity of the confessional and all that. Of course she expressed her joy--her genuine joy. But she let you in on a little secret, in a forum where no one else can see. She's let you know that you don't have to walk on eggshells the next time this comes up. Really. It's in there somewhere. Show her your belly straight off!

Having been the "last to know" on several friends pregnancies, it comes off as you're just not that important. But they sure do double-time it to make sure I get the baby shower invites early and often.

What I was taught is that friendship is a two-way street. Was I wrong, Angela? I don't really ask for much, just a little consideration.

No, no. Angela's right. If I have any negative emotions whatsoever, the healthy is to pretend that they do not exist.

Because only bad people have negative emotions. To be a good person, one has to have only positive emotions.

Look: I'm stoked that they are expecting. Really, really stoked. I just wish I'd been told, rather than having things unfold in a way that felt that humiliating.

BTW, Angela, I'm going to take a flier, here: you've never suffered the pain of infertility.

Forgive me for being a totally f*-up hardass, but would you like a bit of ammunition for the next time round? If so, read on...

... my unmarried colleagues (yes, in the same chain of command, she reports indirectly to him) were expecting their child some 3-4 weeks ago.

The baby was stillborn. Labour had to be induced 2 weeks ahead of schedule because the baby had died in the womb.

Now, we're supposed to be a MNC (multinational company) and therefore sophisticated and cosmopolitan and allathat. I still found it shocking that they weren't married (but I don't say anything - not my business, really). And this sort of thing happens to people good or bad.

But, anyways, if you really want to carve a pound of flesh out of the nest someone who's not all that sensitive to your plight, repeating the above story (in a smarmy, pseudo-friendly tone) might be the ticket.

/like I said, f*ed-up hardass

On a more serious note, may I point out the bystander effect? It may very well be they assumed you knew. Or did not see it of prime importance. I sometimes find out my 'friends' are married after I get an invite to their son's 'full-moon' (it's an Asian thing). My own sister did not want me to know she was seeing this boy until after the engagement and wedding dates had been set.

I found it heartbreaking and upsetting when, going in for a pre-op visit for an extremely necessary sterilization procedure I'd avoided for years, I was put in an examination room chock-full of photos of babies the doctor had delivered. Hundreds of them, washing over me in my time of sorrow.

I wish they'd had a room more sensitive to how I was feeling and what I was going through.

And I wish your friends had thought to tell you in a way you could process privately.

Unfortunately, people (especially certain kinds of people, which includes logical types, socially awkward types, people who are happier than they'd expected to be, and sometimes guys) don't always remember that other people might feel differently about something, and might want some time to digest it.

The adjective Considerate comes from the verb To Consider. An action not everyone engages in.

Hang in there, sweetie! you're entitled to your feelings, and you're a good and lovely person.

xo

I found it heartbreaking and upsetting when, going in for a pre-op visit for an extremely necessary sterilization procedure I'd avoided for years, I was put in an examination room chock-full of photos of babies the doctor had delivered. Hundreds of them, washing over me in my time of sorrow.

I wish they'd had a room more sensitive to how I was feeling and what I was going through.

And I wish your friends had thought to tell you in a way you could process privately.

Unfortunately, people (especially certain kinds of people, which includes logical types, socially awkward types, people who are happier than they'd expected to be, and --sometimes-- guys) don't always remember that other people might feel differently about something, and might want some time to digest it.

The adjective Considerate comes from the verb To Consider. An action not everyone engages in.

Hang in there, sweetie! you're entitled to your feelings, and you're a good and lovely person.

xo

Hi there! Sorry it took so long to respond to this but my access to the Internet is intermittent. Like you and others on this board, I too have had problems with fertility--which is what made your comment stick out to me. I under what is like to feel reminded of a lost possibilty. I remember what it was like in the first few years after my hystorectomy. It took me a good while to get used to the idea and no longer view the good fortunes of my friends as, first and foremost, a reminder of what I had lost.

I remember feeling terribly bitter. Like I had failed in some way as a wife and as woman. Coupled with other frustrations in my life (my career was going nowhere at the time) and dissatisfactions in my marriage, I eventually realized I was being terribly unfair to both myself, my husband (now ex) and what few friends I'd had left at the time.

But I was lucky.

With support, I was better able to separate the fortunes of others from my own bad luck and find a different path towards the emotional and personal fulfillment I sought.

In life, we sometimes have painful trials. I hope that, eventually, the bliss you deserve presents itself.

I never suggested you were a bad person. Only that the good fortune of our friends should exist independent of our own misfortunes.

At least on a good day. :-)

Lord knows we all have bad ones sometimes. I guess I've just
found it's usually helped me to try and put my best foot forward.

Although, occasionally, it still ends up in my mouth.

Angela B.

Alrighty, then. ;)