August 20, 2008

Iowahawk Pwns Russia

And I was thinking of voting for John McCain?

No, no: Buerge-Goldstein 2008. Like their campaign stickers say: "Hard Men for Hard Times."

Plus, when one guy's superb in a standard barroom brawl, and the other's made a serious study of the "mixed martial arts" (AKA UFC-style fighting), there's no one whose ass they can't kick. And if there were, they'd just shoot 'im.

Anyways, here's Buerge, on how shamefaced Russia is over that regrettable little Georgia incident:


Tbilisi, Georgia—Bowing to a withering barrage of pointed criticisms and strongly-worded letters of reprimand from the international diplomatic community, an embarrassed Russian military today abandoned its attack on the former Soviet republic of Georgia late this afternoon and retreated sheepishly over the Caucasus.

"Look, I don't really know what to say—other than, 'hey, our bad,'" said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov in an awkward, shoe-gazing statement to the United Nations. "Seriously, dude, it just totally wasn't like us to lash out like that. We've been having a couple of bad decades, and I guess we just sort of snapped."

According to Moscow newspaper Pravda, Lavrov and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin left several messages on the voice mail machine of Georgian president Mikheil Saakashvili offering apologies and help cleaning up the damage from the weekend invasion. Sources say an angry Saakashvili was in no mood for forgiveness.

"Haven't you done enough damage already?" asked a testy Saakashvili, according to a U.S. State Department official. "Just get out. Come on dude, leave."

Russia's embarrassing geopolitical faux pas began over the weekend, just as the world was celebrating the opening of the Olympic Games in Beijing. Friday, several armored divisions of the Russian Army and Air Force found their way into Georgia through an unguarded back door.

"Russia said South Ossetia invited them, to try out some of their pipeline stash," explained a source with the French Foreign Ministry. "I know Russia used to have something going on with Georgia, but nobody thought it was going to turn into a big ugly scene."

Russia's invasion prompted a quick stern response from GOP presidential candidate John McCain, while Democratic candidate Barack Obama urged Russia and Georgia to "work together to iron out their differences," and "chills, y'all." After learning that Georgia was a U.S. ally, Obama clarified the remarks, demanding that Russia withdraw its troops north to Tennessee and West Virginia.

By early Saturday morning, however, Russia's loutish behavior had gotten out of control, and according to some included wearing lampshades and carpet bombing of civilian areas. In response, the U.S. State Department prepared a carefully worded rebuke, reading "Dude, totally not cool," and the UN Security Council issued a special envoy to the region expressing "grave concern" and warning that "come on dude, you're drunk."

The harsh international diplomatic verbal response brought an immediate halt to the Russian firebombing campaign, followed by what observers termed "an uncomfortable silence."

"Everyone was just sort of staring at Russia, who's in the middle of beating the hell out of Georgia, and Russia's like, 'what? Come on man, you have to admit it's funny,'" said a source with UNSCOM. "So Russia's going around, looking for high fives and is like, 'don't leave me hangin', bro,' but the G8 gives him the total gas face, so he's like, 'whatever, dude, this party sucked anyway.'"

Read the whole thing, because I came, like, this close to breaking the rules and quoting his whole post. So go now, or it will cause me deep, physical pain and I won't let you back on my site.

Posted by Attila Girl at August 20, 2008 10:15 PM | TrackBack

OK. I did what you asked.
Call the Koreans starting tomorrow and ask about a package.: It might be perishable. And you know critters hate traveling.

Posted by: Darrell at August 20, 2008 10:50 PM

Are you sending me those little creatures that the Tabasco people keep on a little island in the Southeast, for no discernable reason, unless it's the same reason that some of the Old Money estates in Pasadena used to feature peacocks running amok on the grounds?

Okey-doke: business meeting in Pasadena right before lunchtime. Then off to the mail drop, dry cleaner, drugstore, etc. And I shall pick up the little ferretlike things. Does the package include actual bottles of Tabasco? Because if so, I should either buy a dozen eggs, and/or supplies for Bloody Marys. For, lo--both call out for Tabasco.

Posted by: Attila Girl at August 21, 2008 03:29 AM

peafowl == excellent alarm system

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie at August 21, 2008 11:10 AM

Maybe the critter reference was a false clue.
But I was thinking along the same lines for the follow-up response. Spooky. I hope you caught the Friday update in time to head off the trip. I wouldn't want you wasting gas.

And yes, people mixed beauty with practicality in times past. And California bans ferret ownership, right? And trans fats.

Posted by: Darrell at August 21, 2008 03:28 PM

Oh, wait: you sent me a congressman! How sweet! Do I take him for walks around the neighborhood with a leash? Do I teach him to "heel" and to "drill"?

This is going to be SO COOL!

Posted by: Attila Girl at August 21, 2008 10:24 PM

They're not worth addressing the box.
No, just piratess booty. It will probably be a letdown now when you open the box. Or see the label.

Posted by: Darrell at August 21, 2008 11:05 PM

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