January 16, 2005

Halle Berry's Unfortunate Gown

In the 80s we had to wear leotards as blouses. They were inconvenient for four reasons:

1) One couldn't wear a bra with a thing like that, because the straps would show; one was at the mercy of the lycra to squish things a bit and keep them under control.

2) Leotards had a tendancy to creep up one's ass. This wasn't fun.

3) The act of going to the bathroom became a process of many steps, especially because we usually had those stupid Danskin wraparound skirts over the leotards. This meant that one had to untie the skirt, hang it in the stall, and then pull the entire leotard—bodice included—down to one's thighs in order to pee. (Once in a while we could get by with simply pulling the crotch of the leotard aside, but this was impossible if we happened to be wearing tights to complete that "I accidentally look like a rather round dancer" look.)

4) At any given point, there was the very real risk that one might encounter a breeze, or walk through a cold room. This would suddanly make one's nipples stand out. But the stretchy fabric also had a habit of squishing one's boobs in different directions, depending on which half of the bodice got pulled on first; one nip would be up high, and the other, pointing down like it was going to communicate with the bettly button using tiny semaphore flags. So before going out one had to pinch one's nipples erect and examine them in the mirror, readjusting all that mammary tissue until the two points lined up. (No, you pervs: I didn't make a video. My then-boyfriend would walk in, though, and ask me if I needed a level.)

Halle Berry's bodice tonight at the Golden Globe awards appeared to be a monumnet to those who went out in the 80s wihout arranging their boobs, as it gave a sort of lopsided effect, with one mammary squished up, and the other one, down.

Either that, or her designer was on acid. I'm not sure which it is. But I'm done being catty, and I have to go now. Berry's a beautiful woman in a dress that makes her lovely jugs look weird and asymmetrical.


Next time, Halle, trust me. And only me. I'll steer you right.

Posted by Attila at January 16, 2005 10:38 PM

I didn't know any of that. Sondra says sleeping in a thong risks asphyxiation.

As for Halle: MEOW!

Posted by: jeff at January 17, 2005 02:28 AM

If only I'd been there, I could have adjusted her before she went on.

I could've even brought a level.

Posted by: McGehee at January 17, 2005 06:15 AM

It might have taken a while, but she would have been perfectl lined up by the time I was done.

Sometime next Thursday.

Posted by: McGehee at January 17, 2005 06:16 AM

It was the gown that did it--no amount of human intervention would have solved the problem.

Though your civic-mindedness is admirable, McGehee.

Jeff, I've never tried sleeping in a thong; I scarcely ever wear them (only with those tight pants that show panty lines, and even then I usually rationalize the panty lines away). They are just uncomfortable as all get-out. I was born in 1962, and I've been wearing bikini panties all my life. I've become convinced that bikini panties are what God wants us to wear.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 17, 2005 10:25 AM

While I have no direct experience wearing either panties or thongs, I can sympathize because I feel the same way about boxers vs briefs.

Boxers, IMO, are uncomfortable and it's like you are just all "out there." In fact its like not wearing underwear at all.

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 17, 2005 01:15 PM


One fashion invention of the 70's helped solve the 'must get completely undressed to pee' leotard situation ... the bodyshirt

as long as the snaps held


bikinis! definitely. I hate to say in mixed company (seeing men clap their hands over their ears and shriek is not encouraging) what wearing a thong reminds me of ... (hint ..ever since they started making IT with adhesive, the belts that we had to wear IT with went away)

Posted by: Darleen at January 17, 2005 04:30 PM

Well, that was part of the insanity of the time: the invention existed to help us with that problem, but we couldn't wear bodyshirts, because they weren't in style. It had to be REAL DANCEWEAR, made by Capezio or Danskin, in just the right shades of shimmery stretch fabric.

If someone had marketed counterfeit dancewear that featured the snaps, he/she would have made a fortune.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 17, 2005 05:55 PM


Well since I spent the 80's with small children underfoot shimmery was kinda limited to "what the hell did they spill on the floor NOW?"

Posted by: Darleen at January 17, 2005 07:29 PM

I can't do boxers for the same reason HomericPundit notes. But a compromise that is comfortable is the newer boxers made of brief material. They stretch and conform and actually hold you in place pretty well.

On the topic, what is it about boxers that women seem to find so attractive (vs. briefs)?

Posted by: Desert Cat at January 17, 2005 11:26 PM

I love those new hybrid boxer/brief clingy things!

I can only give one woman's opinion, but my objection is to tighty whiteys. They aren't form-fitting enough to really show the maie form, yet they don't have that classic masculine quasi-shorts look that boxers bring. (And this I cannot explain, any more than a man can explain why he sometimes wants the lower hemline or the one-piece swimsuit, so that just a bit more is left to the imagination. It's just how it is.)

Also, tighty whiteys are kind of see-through, but not in a good way--in a yucky way.

I love men's bikinis, but a lot of men just aren't comfortable in them--they feel unmasculine, or like something out of Zoolander or whatever. So the good compromises are the stretch-fabric boxers (the hybrids) we've discussed, or briefs that have the classic tighty-whitey cut, but are not white. (They come in blue, gray, black.) Travel Smith sells some nice ones that are supposed to be really comfortable, since they come in a "wicking" fabric a la Coolmax. And the fabric doesn't stretch out and get gross, like tighty whiteys do.

And, in case I haven't been clear, I don't like tighty whiteys.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 18, 2005 12:01 AM

Look at this response! That proves it. You need to write about boobs more often.

(And include pictures!)

You could start with Bush...

Posted by: littlemrmahatma at January 18, 2005 07:49 AM

I have to admit that it's amazing. I want to ask, "what about all my great essays?"

But links and comments are links and comments. I hope people who come over here for boob-bloggage stay for the of the other things I write.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 18, 2005 08:48 AM

Well, I just found this site through Beautiful Atrocities via Rightwingsparkle where I usually post.

As for the new boxer/brief hybrids, I've tried those and yes they are better than boxers. I wear them when I feel there is a likelihood of them being seen, if you get my drift. Other times I stick with the ultimate in support, what you refer to as tighty whiteys.

The gals do seem to prefer the hybrids..

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 18, 2005 07:24 PM

I should start a terrorist campaign to stamp out tighty whiteys.

If you ever hear of a Fruit of the Loom factory being bombed, you'll know what happened . . .

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 18, 2005 07:55 PM

when you start your campaign, please make sure from the outset what you mean by "tighty whiteys". Some people might take that to mean something different. And I don't like FOLs myself. Its Hanes all the way.

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 18, 2005 09:54 PM

I could call my group the JJ (Junk Jihadis)!

Liberating infidels from their ugly underwear, as the Prophet suggested, peace be upon his name. Alla Akbar.

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 19, 2005 01:31 AM

Perhaps you've found a new niche...;)

Seriously though, back when Outland was still publishing, Daisycat would choke with laughter whenever she saw those male critters wearing their "tighty whities".

Posted by: Desert Cat at January 19, 2005 08:33 AM

Attila Girl, so Tom Cruise in Risky Business didn't do anything for you, right? Yeah I thought so...

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 21, 2005 09:42 PM

I cannot either confirm or deny what would amount to a child-molestation urge.

(BTW, tighty whiteys can be taken off. Since I hate them so, this is best done sooner rather than later.)

Posted by: Attila Girl at January 21, 2005 10:39 PM

maybe that's why we wear them...

Posted by: HomericPundit at January 22, 2005 05:46 PM

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