April 20, 2006

It's Unanimous! They're All Crazy!

My mother has let me know that it's okay if I stay in a hotel this weekend in the Bay Area. She doesn't like it, but she "sort of" understands.

I thought I'd escaped the silliness, but when I called my aunt, the "sane" one in the family, I got more of this "but, why?" At my older cousin's second wedding, we were allowed to stay in a hotel without all this strangeness. Perhaps it's because it was that cousin's second wedding: the one this weekend is his younger brother's very first wedding. I like the girl, and I think it might even be his only wedding. (And here I am ruining it with this hotel business.)

Look, people: I'm married. My husband's a private, self-sufficient person. When he's crippled with a huge cast on his foot, he gets even more so. He's from Illinois: guys up there don't like to hobble around on crutches around their in-laws—or anyone else, for that matter.

I swear if I could get the cells in my body surgically altered so none of these people's genes were represented therein, I'd do it in a second.

Posted by Attila Girl at April 20, 2006 06:16 PM | TrackBack

You couldn't use the "but I'll be freeing up a space for some other poor (freeloader) soul" defense? Or the "explosive diarrhea" gambit? Or "since my surgery, I am really, really, sensitive to secondhand smoke or its lingering residue--I can't breath!"?

You HAD to call, didn't you?

Posted by: Darrell at April 20, 2006 07:37 PM


Your family is crazy; this is an axiomatic statement. My oldest sister (I love her dearly) has delayed her FOURTH wedding so that it would fall in the middle of my R&R from Iraq. Upside - all the relatives will be in one place for one stop "hi everyone" shopping. Downside - I lose a full day to travel instead of spending that time with my wife and kids.

Why does she want me at this one? Get this; the last marriage that "worked" for over 15 years had me at the wedding. I missed the next two (Army stuff). Those averaged about three years. She thinks I'm a good luck charm. No kidding.

Don't feel guilty, just do what you want and they'll forget about it in a week or two when they are obsessing about something else. It works for my wife and I.

Oh, and if Atilla the Hub is from Illinois, then you have to understand the quiet. As a Missouri native I know they kill and eat their wounded. (Just joking!)

SGT Dave
Somewhere in Iraq

Posted by: SGT Dave at April 20, 2006 08:42 PM

Wow. You do have me beat: that "younger brother as good-luck token" idea is amazing. Yet somehow endearing and sweet.

I called my mother today; she told me she'd heard from my aunt and it sounded like Attila the Hub and I had decided on the hotel for sure.

"She wasn't too happy with me," I said, "but I think she'll accept it."

"Oh, don't pay any attention to her," my mom responded. "She gets pushy sometimes."

"Uh-huh," I shot back. "On occasion, your SISTER is pushy."

She sort of half-giggled in a moment of guilty self-awareness, then told me she had to go help hem my second-cousin's suit, which I gather was picked up today at the 11th hour, and doesn't quite fit.

If this whole fandango wasn't for my favorite little cousin I'd be ready to wash my hands of it right here and now. (My "little cousin" towers over me now, of course, and has since we were teenagers. But he's four years my junior, and therefore my little cousin. I fully expect his son or daughter to be double my height.)

Posted by: Attila Girl at April 20, 2006 09:44 PM

You DID it! I am SO proud of you!

Hooray for standing up to bullies!

Posted by: k at April 20, 2006 10:18 PM

SGT Dave has it right: otherwise sane people consistently behave in utterly batshit ways around their adult children. This is axiomatic. I've been seeing the same woman for nearly ten years now, and my father still can't quite remember where she's from or her native language. (Georgia and Georgian, respectively. Not really that challenging.)

Posted by: utron at April 21, 2006 08:36 AM

Are you sure you and she aren't Jewish?

Heck, we even tell "Gentile jokes," which are backhanded Jewish jokes. One that's apropos:

A [Gentile] man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His mother says, "OK."

More here.

Posted by: Attila (Pillage Idiot) at April 21, 2006 10:12 AM

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